lavamaughnster's Journal

12:20am: Nothing Gets Crossed Out
It goes from being depressed and wondering about life to being happy and wondering how in the world I ever get depressed to being depressed again and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
I've been getting better at writing and guitar and I got some songs coming along nicely.
Here's the link to my blogs:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=83820017
I hope it works.
Well, goodnight.

4:40pm: ...
This is the worst day of my life.
I wish I would've died before I met you.

4:09pm: I'm Already
I've been partying with my cousins for the past couple days, and let me tell you, my family is fucking crazy!
It's been fun, though, and it just could continue, tonight.
Tomorrow's a sure thing, though.
So, yeah.
I'm going to a group interview at Abercrombie, tomorrow.
I'm a little excited, but I'm not expecting much.
My uncle's giving this dope sampler/mixer thing I guess.
We'll see how things work out.
Anyway, I'm getting in the shower so I can get out of the house.
PEACE AND BLESSINGS.

12:43am: The Heart Of A Black Bird
I got my tonsils taken out, today, and I do not feel like doing ANYTHIIING.
I'm in a good mood, however :]
I don't feel like typing anything else.
Byeeeeeeeee<3

8:13pm: Nice To See You
I wish
I could just fucking move already.
Shit, all I wanna do is make music!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Can you imagine how amazing one person has to be to be able to create music as beautifully as Elliott Smith did, while battling a drug addiction?
And he didn't just write lyrics and sing.
He wrote ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the music!
AND he built his own studio and practically lived in there, and all his equipment was vintage shit, so he had to constantly rewire it all and everything.
God damn it, I could never ever ever ever be as good as him.
But, hey!
I can tryyyyyyyyyyyy!

5:57pm: While Her Memory Worked In Reverse
I just got back from a four day trip to Indiana.
Well, a couple of days ago, I did.
I have a lot of drawings from the plane rides to take pictures of and upload.
It's amazingly beautiful out there, and I'm secretly planning to move there.
My uncle's already trying to find me a job, and all I have to do before I leave is get my tonsils taken out and get the money to fly over there.
Anyway, I'm in a good mood.
My mother and I were supposed to leave to go work out a half hour ago.
Doesn't look like that's on the agenda, anymore.
Oh, by the way!
There's nobody my age in Indiana.
Especially no girls!
And it might be hard, at first, to track down some decent Vegan food.
So, if you know any girls or Vegan food, in Indiana, send them my way!

11:50am: We Do What We Want
You're not Bukowski.

8:42am: We Don't Care About The Young Folks
I'm leaving for Indiana!
Woooooooooooooh!
I can't wait to smell the air!

10:27am: All I know is that I don't know!
I leave for Indiana in less than 24 hours!
Wooooooooooh!
My cousin, his friends, and I are smoking mad weed!
I haven't seen those fools in a year!

9:57pm: I'm Coming
BTW!
Politics annoy me.
Just because you pay attention to the election doesn't make you smart.
I think I might make a call to The Pseudo Intellectual Exterminator.
Whoever that may be.

9:44pm: And We Drown
So, I went to Kohl's with my mom.
She picked a fight with me, afterwards, because she didn't get anything, while we were there.
Then, we tried to stop by Tropical Smoothie, but they were already closed.
AND SO, here I am:
1 burrito in my gut and listening to Against Me!
I never listen to them, but they're on somebody's playlist and I really like this song.
It's called Sink, Florida, Sink.
I'm really not paying attention to the words at all, I just like the emotion.
I'll look up the lyrics, later, since I'm half deaf.
Speaking of which, my 13-year-old brother's almost completely deaf, now.
I'm really worried about him.
I hope everything works out for the best.
I'm in the biggest rut I've ever been in.
Where do I want to live?
Should I just train hop?
Do I work, then move?
Do I kill myself?
Is moving in with Faye a realistic goal?
What about Indiana?
And I'm not depressed.
I'm just alone, and trying to make the best of it.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE ATLEAST ONE ALBUM BEFORE I DIE.
I promised myself I'd do atleast that before I kill myself, because I AM NOT going to live past thirty.
Life's going to be great.
I promise.
And once I have the resources, I'll be able to make everybody happy that I care about.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Stay gold, Child In My Mind, stay gold.
You keep me alive.

6:16pm: I Was Once Alive
I'm in such a good mood, but I just can't think of anything to do!

10:29pm: Whores in my head
My girlfriend<3

and321blastoff: omg
and321blastoff: hahaha
and321blastoff: quit
and321blastoff: bein
and321blastoff: cute
ideaisskilled: my nigga i ain't cute
ideaisskilled: i'm lethal
and321blastoff: HAHAHAHa
and321blastoff: oh thats right
and321blastoff: im sorry
and321blastoff: haha
ideaisskilled: you're forgiven
ideaisskilled: don't let that shit happen again
ideaisskilled: i get pissed like a baby's diaper
and321blastoff: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
and321blastoff: stoppp
and321blastoff: hahahaah
ideaisskilled: >:[
and321blastoff: smart ass
ideaisskilled: hahahahahhaha
ideaisskilled: >:D
and321blastoff: <3
and321blastoff: :D
and321blastoff: :-*
ideaisskilled: [;*~~~~~~~c======8
and321blastoff: lol
and321blastoff: zomgz
and321blastoff: rofle waffle
and321blastoff: roflcopter
and321blastoff: :P
ideaisskilled: LAWLERCAUST
and321blastoff: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
ideaisskilled: can't beat that one
and321blastoff: i cant
and321blastoff: not even lolerskates beats that
ideaisskilled: hehehehehehehe
ideaisskilled: OMG
ideaisskilled: the pixies are so dope
ideaisskilled: :]
and321blastoff: haha
and321blastoff: they are
ideaisskilled: Hey, I heard you like the LOLttery?
ideaisskilled: Did you wanna purchase a ROFL ticket? :]
ideaisskilled: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA XD
and321blastoff: HAHAHAHAH!!!
and321blastoff: omg
ideaisskilled: I JUST MADE THAT UP!
and321blastoff: you're too cute!
and321blastoff: hahaha

10:54am: Pale Blue
I haven't written anything on here in so long, because every time I go to, I always read everything I wrote before and I feel like a mad man.
Well, once again, I'm without a job.
Once again, I have a vehicle.
My dad smoked me out, yesterday, with some bomb, and gave me my truck back.
Oh yeah!
BTDUB, I'm suuuuuuper sick.
Not tight trying to get a job, while you're sick.
I'm about to head to the mortuary, so piss off.

5:57am: How?
How can it be
I'm still here,
When my own mind is after me?
Or, could it be something more sincere?
The alcohol speaks blasphemy.
But it's all G, here;
It relaxes me.
With each falling tear,
The ones I think I can trust I suspect are laughing at me.
We're entering a new year,
And I'm so afraid of battling this disease.

How can you see
Through that veil of opinions,
Fabricated from the very fibers of what I scream?
"Pay attention
To the blood I leak."
This is no joke or lesson-
Just a warning.
The lonely choking victim's
Body is rotting,
In his hidden mental dimension,
Comepletely rid of sobriety.

8:45pm: Ya Don't Stop
It's 4 in the morning.

Reflection's in the mirror, mourning.

Chapped lips mimic my intake of passion and lust.

White cheeks find heat in a red rush.

A cold hate races fate through blue blood.

Brown eyes assume the color of disgust.

I hate my guts.

Small pockets drop wallets and the keys to life.

That backyard's growing awfully bright.

I saw the sun and the moon collide,

As my pillow cushioned my declining, closed eyes.

Cybernetic serial killers, hit me up on AIM.

Come cop me, 'cause I'm too scared to stop my own pain.

Courage was crushed under the world's weight.

I hate my face.

Stuck here waiting for the bulb to bust.

Leanin' on a cardboard cut-out, 'cause I've no one to trust.

Ready to drown in the rising tide of smoke in the slums

To become of my own blown lungs.

Didn't lose myself, but I lost another one.

Really just never could find who I was.

I hate my guts.

My eyes ate the insults the chefs put on my plate,

As I looked on, full of confusion, in every way.

Hunger can't tell if it's the heart or the brain

Running from the other's instinctive path of rage.

Disposition makes me feel deranged.

Strapped with a disconnected voice, and too much nothin' to say.

I hate my face.

Too fascinated with then

To be worried about the here and now.

Can't remember what the angel in my chest said,

'Cause the devil in my head sang out loud.

Turned off by the ongoing wow.

We're approaching the final hour.

Kill me now.

11:45am: Judgement Day
Sorry your lawyer couldn't save you
He was already rescuing someone
Sorry he couldn't stay with you
He was always on the run
Couldn't make the call to amaze you
Like that first night on the phone
You thought he was just perfect
He still knew he'd die alone
Shame he couldn't be the one
Like you thought that night he lost
To himself and spilled his guts in the sidewalk
And your gavel fell before him
You never thought he'd take his hate that far
Never would've guessed your witness would come tumbling
It would've lasted if he could just get himself to trust your judgement
But he only had two hands
And could barely hold his own weight
So he hired a gun
To hold your head up for him
Now he can't escape
His mind's become a cell
And it's already too late

1:21am: Clove Clutch
Filtered fingers stop the disbeliever
From breathing in his death.
His eyes are shot,
As he asks "What is left?"
Firing his mind in to his notebook like a glock
Teeth bite the barrel,
And his throat's singed with venom.
He knows he's better off offed.
His awareness takes every breath as sharp as an arrow.
Life disintigrates in to a haze of vanilla clove coughs.
Spare him the ears of anyone who claims to care.
He's tired of choosing to lose
The femme fatale's truth or dare.
Hand the man a noose.
Scoot the man a chair.
Sentence him to death.
Hang the fool,
Right there.
His lies fill the air
Like the roar of a bear.
All that's left
Is the scent of despair,
Circulating through the vents,
Like the Lord's ubiquitous stare.

3:46pm: My Biggest Mistake


I dream of us together
And awake to you never there anymore
I reach for the phone
And remember you said you don't care anymore
Now I stalk the streets at night time
Puffing my vice in a flame-lit virus

I'm a computer crash waiting to happen
I've lost my connection to the world around me
Reduced to thanking strangers for their conversation
While this rising tide of liquor drowns me
Your face hovered above me while your hands found me
You said I'd only get better
But how do I climb out of my slumber
When the best I had has left me forever

You've infinite potential as A lover
With those soft lips I miss deserving to kiss
I'm nothing but a crumbled letter
Blowing in the gentle wind
I fell from our tree of health
I'm surrounded by dead leaves intrigued by me
But I'm still jealous of all your other branches

The candle flame'll never burn as bright inside me
You made my every day in to birthday magic
I attempted to take my life when you refused to supply my demands
And blew out our eminent passion on accident
Now I'm laying in the gutter A half-opened package

Just wrote it.

3:10pm: Yeah, I still call you
But I get your machine.
And if I'm lucky I guess, It's your roommate answering.
Or some shit.
The older I get, the cooler Conor Oberst gets.
Actually, the more loser he gets, because I see more that he's just like me.
Teach me to play guitar, somebody.
Please.

8:38am: Wouldn't Mama be proud?
It feels great to be alive!
Prepare for a super dope vegan breakfast!

1:17pm: RIP ODB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOVEMBER 15TH, 1968 - NOVEMBER 13TH, 2004.
PEACE TO THE GODZ.
WU-TANG FOREVER.

3:10am: Don't you know
That I love you.








I could kill the loneliness with pretty faces and glossy eyes but I'll find a more respectable way to kill my time and find what's mine.

3:45am: Say it ain't so
It eases my mind knowing everything will be all right.

11:11pm: Smarter than
HAPPY HALLOWEEN MOTHER FUCKERS!